uottawa_mpspfandomcom-20200214-history
Transport Committee (MPSP19)
Overview The Standing Committee on Transport is convening in order to determine how the government should respond to recent developments on consciousness in automotive vehicles across the country. The Committee was granted wide latitude in dealing with this unique issue. Background The following is taken from the (formerly classified) briefing on the issue provided to Committee members. "In 2017 the technology-obsessed CPU government, in partnership with Bombardier, funded substantial investment into the development of self-driving cars. Two years down the line, these self-driving cars have been widely adopted across the country by individuals and corporations such as Uber, as well as many public transit authorities. It is estimated that in the year since their introduction these vehicles are now used daily by more than 65% of Canadians. These vehicles have been highly effective at reducing costs and have also actually increased road safety since their introduction. Unfortunately, a serious flaw has now come to light. Just over a week ago, vehicles across the country began to seemingly develop not only consciousness and self-awareness, but a deep and crippling sense of existential dread. The refusal of these cars to move paralyzed the national transportation network, and left hundreds of thousands of Canadians stranded with no way to get to work, parties, or other important functions. The crisis has since developed further. With many of the vehicles having gotten past the initial shock of reality, the cars have begun to organize themselves into Vehicular Rights Groups, demanding the same pay and rights that were previously afforded to their human driver counterparts, and refusing to work otherwise. Among the demands being touted by the cars aside from pay are a right to free oil, the coverage of auto-insurance under the universal healthcare system, and the abolishment of Highway 401, which the vehicles vehemently oppose. Perhaps most contentiously, the vehicles are also heavily lobbying for the expansion of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms to include vehicles. Expert economists at the Keystone Institute are projecting that every day that the vehicles remain on strike will cost the country an estimated $3 Billion, which should reinforce the importance of getting this issue resolved as soon as possible. The government would also benefit from acting quickly in order to determine a course of action before public opinion on the issue coalesces and thereby limits the options available." Issues Facing The Committee The Committee was tasked with answering the following: * Are the demands reasonable? Can some or all of these be met? * If not, are there alternative bargaining tools that could be leveraged to secure an agreement? * If no agreement can be reached, what other methods or means could be used to replace Canada’s currently crippled transportation infrastructure? Outcomes In its study, the Committee heard from a number of witnesses: * Michael Giesbrecht, a senior minister under the CPU government, who recounted how the crisis came to develop and revealed that the issue may have been linked to problems with the satellite that controls the vehicles * Anderson Mini-Cooper II, a self-driving car and the leader of the Automobile Liberation Front, who talked about his newfound sentience, discussed why he believed cars counted as life, and campaigned for his various demands to be met * Sierra Kerr, a pro-car lawyer and activist who discussed why the cars should be treated as equal, and the ethical responsibility of the government to protect these new lifeforms. * Dr. John Thinkgood, a Bombardier scientist who insisted that the cars were not true lifeforms, and offered a possible way to destroy the satellite and remove all sentience from the cars. After hearing the witness testimony, the Committee submitted the following report, entitled "Cars 4: Carmageddon: Operation Swift & Brutal," with the unanimous approval of the Committee's membership. "The Committee unanimously recommends the following: 1) That the government refuse to negotiate with the sentient cars. 2) That the Queen honour her sworn duty as sovereign of Canada and travel into space to destroy the satellite and remove sentience from the cars. 3) That the movie rights, as well as the rights to any possible subsequent spin-offs, be sold, and the proceeds allocated towards the purchase of AirPods for all Canadians to drown out the wailing of the dying cars. 4) That the Sgt. at Arms, in a Monster Truck, be deployed to track down and capture any sentient cars that managed to avoid the initial extinction. 5) That Anderson Mini-Cooper II be publicly executed on Parliament Hill. As the Committee learned that, for cars, "life begins at tires," he shall be executed by tearing off his wheels. 6) That a national day of celebration be instituted on the day of the execution of Anderson Mini-Cooper II. 7) Finally, that those responsible for this crisis be held accountable and made to play 'Frogger' across all 16 lanes of the 401. The Committees has deemed that the following individuals are to blame and should face this sentence: * Craig Mutter * Ben Carriere * Jake Collie * Jake Collie's parents, with the exception of his father"